I’m doing an online course on video game music and this is the first assignment, writing a theme for a town.

The town I had in mind is a peaceful one, but it has recently been through tragedy and it’s still recovering from it. It could be a second or third town in a JRPG.

Este año se celebra el 40 aniversario del lanzamiento de El vampiro de la colonia Roma de Luis Zapata, así que me decidí a leerlo tras haber escuchado y leído muchas cosas buenas sobre él. Y efectivamente, ya entiendo por qué es un clásico y por qué causó tanta controversia en 1979.

Adonis García, un huérfano que tiene que recurrir a la prostitución para sobrevivir, es un protagonista con una voz fresca y original, incluso para estándares de 2019. Lo que lo hace muy interesante de leer es que disfruta su sexualidad plenamente, sin remordimiento o culpa. Aún hoy en día es muy común leer o ver historias donde los personajes gays viven atormentados por sus deseos sexuales, en un melodrama de confusión y autoflagelación. Adonis es un grato respiro a este cliché, revolucionario en su momento incluso. El sexo homosexual en este libro se maneja sin tabúes ni connotaciones inmorales, algo muy disruptivo para su tiempo.

La novela está estructurada en capítulos que corresponden a cintas de audio donde el protagonista se explaya sobre su historia personal y vida diaria. El monólogo de Adonis es ágil, ameno y muchas veces gracioso. De hecho el texto carece de puntuación, logrando un efecto convincente de estar escuchando a una persona real hablando. Tal vez mi única crítica con esto sería el uso de muletillas, algunas veces excesivas y distractoras.

Una trama como tal no existe; lo que se nos presenta en El vampiro es una serie de anécdotas y relatos cotidianos sin un conflicto central que guíe la historia por los puntos narrativos convencionales. Lo que sí se logra es obtener una visión general de la vida homosexual en la Ciudad de México/DF, pre-internet y pre-VIH, así como la actitud general de la sociedad al respecto.

La importancia del sexo y las dificultades que conlleva encontrarlo es un tema siempre presente en la novela. Durante esta época, conocer a otros hombres era un reto que involucraba aprender un lenguaje de comunicación no verbal (miradas, poses y actitudes), conocer y responder a las señales e identificar los puntos de encuentro; todo esto mientras se evade a la autoridad que reprendería estos comportamientos. Sabiendo jugar el juego, Adonis libra todos los obstáculos para acostarse con otros hombres, por trabajo, diversión, convivencia o simplemente para escapar de la realidad.

A pesar de las adversidades que atraviesa constantemente, como quedar huérfano o adquirir infecciones de transmisión sexual, Adonis parece nunca perder su optimismo. La prostitución como forma de ganarse la vida se presenta como una elección, algo incluso disfrutable. Pero Zapata no idealiza este estilo de vida; las ganas de vivir libremente y sin dirección cobran factura en la salud de Adonis, quien cae en el alcoholismo y la depresión al enfrentarse la incertidumbre de su futuro. En las últimas cintas se revela el tremendo sufrimiento por el que atraviesa, incluso temiendo por su vida si sigue así.

El final queda abierto, sin una respuesta sobre qué hará nuestro protagonista más adelante en su vida cuando ya no pueda vender su cuerpo. Es un sobreviviente en el paisaje urbano del México conservador del 79, una pieza de un rompecabezas más grande. Afortunadamente, aunque la vida no le favorezca y habite al margen de la sociedad, Adonis nunca se presenta como una figura trágica (ni aspiracional). Simplemente es un hombre siguiendo sus impulsos y sus propias reglas, afrontando las consecuencias de salirse del prototipo del hombre tradicional mexicano.

En 2019, leer El vampiro es asomarse a una ventana al pasado, donde podemos comprobar cuánto hemos avanzado en materia de visibilidad, aceptación y derechos. Los cambios sociales han brindado a la comunidad LGBT+ más apertura para vivir su vida abiertamente, ya no excluidos de la sociedad sino como parte integral de ella. Salir del clóset ya no es algo impensable y conocer a otras personas gays ya no es el reto que era anteriormente. ¿Cómo sería la vida de Adonis si hubiera crecido en esta época? Tal vez más feliz…

Educated: A Memoir by Tara Westover is a tough book to read, not because the form of the text itself is complicated, but because of the uncomfortable, sometimes disturbing, abusive situations we experience through Tara’s eyes. However, this also makes it very inspiring and hopeful when we see her flourish and grow up against all odds. As the title says, the book is nonfiction and deals with the author’s life growing up in a (mostly) secluded Mormon family in Idaho. Homeschooled and sheltered, Tara does not get to know the “real world” until she goes to college, after overcoming her family’s wishes. She has to ultimately face the difficult choice of following the path her family wants for her or creating her own.

From the get go, Tara makes it is clear that this family’s way of life heavily revolves around religious teachings and these ideals are to be followed and cherished above all else. Tara’s father is the unquestionable patriarch of the family and his beliefs shape the lives of his wife and children to a sometimes dangerous degree. One of the first things we learn about them is that before the year 2000, the family is constantly reminded of the incoming end of the world and that they should prepare for it by saving up food. After New Year, though, the paranoia ends abruptly when the world doesn’t actually end, and the previously foreboding issue is never mentioned again. Reality is malleable for Tara, her father bends and shapes her world and she, not knowing better, willingly follows.

Modern medicine and medical are is strictly forbidden by Tara’s father and this leads to disturbing consequences. A car crash where her mother suffers a severe head injury is particularly upsetting to read.  Even when she finally leaves home, Tara’s internal monologue makes it clear that her trauma and emotional wounds still haunt her. She has been conditioned to accept and endure pain and suffering.

Mormon girls are not supposed to want anything other than to be housewives and have lots of children. Women are taught to surrender to men and males get the privilege to order and subjugate their wives or even other female relatives. When Tara reaches puberty, her brother Shawn becomes a constant threat, with their interactions reading like a horror story. Misogynistic and cruel, he bullies and abuses Tara physically and psychologically whenever he has the chance. Him acting kind from time to time leaves Tara confused and unable to completely hate him. Her parents won’t believe or acknowledge the situation and thus Tara is gaslighted into thinking it’s her fault. She undeservingly gets called a “whore” and a “slut” but she cannot complain. Westover describes this dynamic of abuse in such a detailed way that we understand why she bottles up and prefers to keep quiet.

Through curiosity and sheer will, Westover realizes she deserves a better life. She sneakily reads science and math books and even gets to take dance lessons (using clothes that cover her up completely), but she is always questioning if she deserves to do what she wants. This is the frustrating main theme of the story. Emotional abuse is something that you carry with you through all your life and growing out of it is a painful, constant process.

Tara eventually gets into college and studies abroad, but her family is always on her mind in one way or another. A phone call or an email from them has the power to reawaken feelings of self-deprecation and shame. She sees herself as an impostor, undeserving of being around other more well-adjusted students. Her achievements are not something her family approve or are proud of, but are rather actually used to shame her from straying away from her loving home and religion. What makes it all more complicated is that she truly, really loves her family, but they are not good for her. Fortunately, two of her brothers who also left home come to support her eventually.

It is satisfying to learn Tara has come very far from where she began, but there is no true happy ending to the story. Growing up and finding yourself is an ongoing process. Our upbringing shapes us, but does not ultimately define us. We cannot let others dictate our path because happiness and life fulfillment come from knowing and nurturing our true self, even if it is irreconcilable with others’ beliefs. Sometimes there is no middle ground and we may have to decide if the people that love us but restrain us from achieving happiness are worth to keep around.

I was in Mexico City for some days and these are some pictures I took with my phone. This was my first time going to the Soumaya, Jumex, Memoria y Tolerancia, MUNAL, and Franz Mayer museums, and I would recommend visiting all of them.

I really enjoy de wide array of cultural experiences and expressions you can only get in CDMX. Definitely inspiring.